THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS

So many things have been filling up my mind lately.

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It's been only 4 days since Diego's been on school holidays but already I am going crazy! On any given day, they will pick a fight with each other within a few minutes of waking up. Since both my boys are passionate and dramatic, whoever is hurt (emotionally or physically) really plays it up and tries to make as much noise as possible. It's driving me up the wall! To make matters worse, this week's weather forecast says its going to be rainy for the next days. I can't even organize a trip to the good old library or the playground, or even just my ever-reliable "shopping-shopping" or retail therapy to keep me calm.

Ever since Luis came into the picture, I have lost about 80% of the patience that I once had. I used to be sooooooooo very patient with kids, heck, I handled autistic kids and some had really bad tantrums! But I never lost my cool. When it's your own kids, things are so different. But really, I used to love playing with little kids. Now, I just smile at them from afar. I'm just too tired to entertain them anymore.

Diego asked me one time why I never do fun things with him (because this is something that his father always does with him). Well, for one anak, I have never been into physical activity, and for two, (haha) I am just so tired dealing with teh emotional aspect of raising two children that I don't have enough energy left to do "fun things".

I am tired of being referee day in and day out. I think this is my karma for always getting into fights with my sister Gogi when we were kids. I remember we had one fight when we were still living in Matulungin. Mom said she'd lock us up in our room until we made friends with each other. Gogi was begging me to make up but I remember I was so full of pride, I ignored her and pretended to enjoy myself being locked up in the room. I think I drew some pleasure seeing Gogi become upset at the thought of being locked up in the room with me. Definitely, this is my karma.

I hate school holidays! Somebody open up the schools and get my son back in there before I lose my sanity!

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I am now actively looking for a job, any job, even just a casual job. I sent applications online to my favorite stores such as Target and IKEA. I have always had this curious desire to work in a store. Actually, my hidden desire is to work in a bookstore, but for some reason, hindi uso dito sa Australia ang mga bookstore int the mold of Powerbooks or Barnes and Noble. Here, a bookstore is just that, a store full of books. I love the smell of coffee at Barnes and Noble, wouldn't it be nice to spend a whole day in the midst of all those books and that sumptious aroma? Anyway, I found out that there is a Borders Bookstore here!!! The problem is, it's all the way at Bondi Junction. I dont' know exactly where that is but I know it's very very far from where I live.

Also, Edge is getting very tired and frustrated about his job. It's really a blah job. He's really there just for the money. So I decided that maybe its time that he takes a rest and I do some work. Now that I have my licence, my job prospects are not limited to the nearby suburbs.

But what I would really like to happen is for me to get a call either from one of these schools that I have applied to, or from the Department of Community Services, telling me that they want me to report for work ASAP. That would be the best, because these jobs are not shift work, and are full-time permanent positions.

Maybe this is just my excuse to get away from the house and the kids.....

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I once heard that God doesn't let us die until we are ready. I took that to mean that we were at peace with ourselves and with the people around us, and we would have accomplished the tasks that God had given us to do in our lifetimes. Someone in my family died recently and this has sparked a lot of questions in my head. Well, this someone died leaving behind a lot of hurt, unanswered questions and unresolved issues. Many years before he died, he shut all of us out of his life, something which many in the family easily accepted. I felt a little miffed about it because I had been pretty close to him before and I felt rejected to a certain extent. But no, I am not going to hold that against him now that he is gone. But I felt sad at the thought that he must have died with a lot of sama ng loob inside of him, because even when he was in a bad condition at the hospital, he did not want anyone from the family to know about it. And this is where I got scared. I thought you were never taken until you were good and ready? I would not want to die with so much negativity inside of me, and a lot of bad feelings towards me as well. So what happens then?

Is he doomed for the rest of eternity? Doesn't he get to settle those issues somewhere, like in Purgatory, or some in-between place? This is where I feel reincarnation would really come in very handy because then you would get to resolve these issues in your next life. The problem is, when you are reincarnated, do you get reborn with all the lessons you learned in the previous life intact, or do you start from scratch?

I hope I get to resolve all of my issues before I die. I hope that I am able to forgive everyone I am harboring a grudge towards before the angels come to take me away. I hope I AM good and ready when it is my time to go.

But what do I really know? What if in his final moments, he was at peace? What if in those last days, he did find it in his heart to forgive everyone who he felt had wronged him in the past? Maybe in his final prayers, he asked to be forgiven for causing so much pain for so many years. I learned in Recovery that the other person does not have to be physically present for you to forgive him or her. It also works the same in asking for forgiveness. Sometimes it is just impossible to ask for forgiveness personally. It's the act of releasing the negativity inside of you and letting the love flow in.

I guess that's just the thing. We don't know what went on in his conversations with God. Maybe he did find his peace. I sure hope so.

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