ANG KULIT KO TALAGA!

I think I have worried quite a few people with my past blog entries. I am so sorry. I am just so aware of every single feeling I'm feeling and I just have to express them as they come my way. Because I felt like I was being sucked into a whirlpool, I have decided to deal with this problem spiritually.

I believe that with each crisis we encounter in life, God wants us to learn something. If we get the lesson right away, then the problem ends. The longer it takes for us to get the lesson, the longer the problem stays with us. That is why I have always been in a hurry to get the lessons right! I don't want to wait until God sends me the plague before I get what he wants me to learn! But maybe also in my haste to get the lesson right, I completely miss the lesson. Hence, it keeps coming back to haunt me.

Edge believes my lesson to be learned this time is PATIENCE. mwahahahaha! God grant me patience, and please God, give it to me NOW!!!! I firmly believe that God has a plan for me, and whatever it is He is planning for me is a hundred times more wonderful than anything I can ever think of. He has proved this to me many times in my life so I do not doubt that anymore. However, while waiting for this wonderful plan to unfold, I gripe and complain and get depressed. I just allow all the emotions to take over me and I just go with the feelings that I am supposed to feel in a situation like that. But, what if, this time, God wants me to go a step further, and just ACCEPT, without complaining? Just TRUST and not get stressed about all the whatifs. What if he just wants me to stop making plans and just leave all the planning to him? Because in all truth, I feel that there is nothing I can do right now that would improve my situation. It's all in God's hands.

Another realization I have had is that perhaps God wants and has wanted me to focus on my family first. Bringing us to Australia really forced us to make a lifestyle change and put me into the one job in the world I didn't want to take on : the housewife. At first, I said I would stay home for six months, then I would get a job. Easier said than done. It's been 10 months and still no job. But I don't think God wants me to stay home forever. He knows that will drive me crazy. He knows I will just wither away and it will not do anyone any good, least of all the kids. I think he wants me to take on a job that will still leave me with a lot of time and energy for the three loves of my life.

When I think about whether our move to Australia was the right thing to do, the answer changes, depending on my mood. But the one constant is that our family has really become closer, stronger and more "together". We have no choice but to share everything. There are no yaya or lolas to leave the kids with, there are no friends to go out with, so all our spare time is really devoted to family time. As a result, the kids are calmer, they have picked up so many new and wonderful skills, they have reached many of their childhood milestones without much effort, and best of all, my relationship with Edge has been THE BEST its ever been in the 14 years we've known each other.

So, really, I'm fine. I just have to sort this out myself and go through this. It's not something that will just go away. I have to work it out on my own. And I will, I know I will. I just hope I enjoy the journey and not be so focused on the destination!