THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS

So many things have been filling up my mind lately.

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It's been only 4 days since Diego's been on school holidays but already I am going crazy! On any given day, they will pick a fight with each other within a few minutes of waking up. Since both my boys are passionate and dramatic, whoever is hurt (emotionally or physically) really plays it up and tries to make as much noise as possible. It's driving me up the wall! To make matters worse, this week's weather forecast says its going to be rainy for the next days. I can't even organize a trip to the good old library or the playground, or even just my ever-reliable "shopping-shopping" or retail therapy to keep me calm.

Ever since Luis came into the picture, I have lost about 80% of the patience that I once had. I used to be sooooooooo very patient with kids, heck, I handled autistic kids and some had really bad tantrums! But I never lost my cool. When it's your own kids, things are so different. But really, I used to love playing with little kids. Now, I just smile at them from afar. I'm just too tired to entertain them anymore.

Diego asked me one time why I never do fun things with him (because this is something that his father always does with him). Well, for one anak, I have never been into physical activity, and for two, (haha) I am just so tired dealing with teh emotional aspect of raising two children that I don't have enough energy left to do "fun things".

I am tired of being referee day in and day out. I think this is my karma for always getting into fights with my sister Gogi when we were kids. I remember we had one fight when we were still living in Matulungin. Mom said she'd lock us up in our room until we made friends with each other. Gogi was begging me to make up but I remember I was so full of pride, I ignored her and pretended to enjoy myself being locked up in the room. I think I drew some pleasure seeing Gogi become upset at the thought of being locked up in the room with me. Definitely, this is my karma.

I hate school holidays! Somebody open up the schools and get my son back in there before I lose my sanity!

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I am now actively looking for a job, any job, even just a casual job. I sent applications online to my favorite stores such as Target and IKEA. I have always had this curious desire to work in a store. Actually, my hidden desire is to work in a bookstore, but for some reason, hindi uso dito sa Australia ang mga bookstore int the mold of Powerbooks or Barnes and Noble. Here, a bookstore is just that, a store full of books. I love the smell of coffee at Barnes and Noble, wouldn't it be nice to spend a whole day in the midst of all those books and that sumptious aroma? Anyway, I found out that there is a Borders Bookstore here!!! The problem is, it's all the way at Bondi Junction. I dont' know exactly where that is but I know it's very very far from where I live.

Also, Edge is getting very tired and frustrated about his job. It's really a blah job. He's really there just for the money. So I decided that maybe its time that he takes a rest and I do some work. Now that I have my licence, my job prospects are not limited to the nearby suburbs.

But what I would really like to happen is for me to get a call either from one of these schools that I have applied to, or from the Department of Community Services, telling me that they want me to report for work ASAP. That would be the best, because these jobs are not shift work, and are full-time permanent positions.

Maybe this is just my excuse to get away from the house and the kids.....

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I once heard that God doesn't let us die until we are ready. I took that to mean that we were at peace with ourselves and with the people around us, and we would have accomplished the tasks that God had given us to do in our lifetimes. Someone in my family died recently and this has sparked a lot of questions in my head. Well, this someone died leaving behind a lot of hurt, unanswered questions and unresolved issues. Many years before he died, he shut all of us out of his life, something which many in the family easily accepted. I felt a little miffed about it because I had been pretty close to him before and I felt rejected to a certain extent. But no, I am not going to hold that against him now that he is gone. But I felt sad at the thought that he must have died with a lot of sama ng loob inside of him, because even when he was in a bad condition at the hospital, he did not want anyone from the family to know about it. And this is where I got scared. I thought you were never taken until you were good and ready? I would not want to die with so much negativity inside of me, and a lot of bad feelings towards me as well. So what happens then?

Is he doomed for the rest of eternity? Doesn't he get to settle those issues somewhere, like in Purgatory, or some in-between place? This is where I feel reincarnation would really come in very handy because then you would get to resolve these issues in your next life. The problem is, when you are reincarnated, do you get reborn with all the lessons you learned in the previous life intact, or do you start from scratch?

I hope I get to resolve all of my issues before I die. I hope that I am able to forgive everyone I am harboring a grudge towards before the angels come to take me away. I hope I AM good and ready when it is my time to go.

But what do I really know? What if in his final moments, he was at peace? What if in those last days, he did find it in his heart to forgive everyone who he felt had wronged him in the past? Maybe in his final prayers, he asked to be forgiven for causing so much pain for so many years. I learned in Recovery that the other person does not have to be physically present for you to forgive him or her. It also works the same in asking for forgiveness. Sometimes it is just impossible to ask for forgiveness personally. It's the act of releasing the negativity inside of you and letting the love flow in.

I guess that's just the thing. We don't know what went on in his conversations with God. Maybe he did find his peace. I sure hope so.

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HAPPY OZ ANNIVERSARY TO US!

A year ago today, the four of us packed up our stuff and left the only country we have known our whole lives and we embarked to start a new life in a place we had never been before. Talk about an adventure! I had never done anything so daring before. I had only seen Australia in pictures. The only image I had of Australia was the Sydney Opera House, and pictures of koalas chewing on eucalyptus leaves. I mean, at least with America, I had images of actual houses and suburbs, scenes of everyday living, not just tourist attractions. We did not know more than five people in Australia, and those five people had only been in Australia 6 months longer than us (I am referring to the Mangahas family). This move was really a leap of faith.

I must admit, this past year has been the lowest we have ever felt, collectively as a family, and yet, it has also brought a certain stability into our lives. Rather than dwelling on the downside of this past year, I choose to celebrate the achievements that we have attained, both individually and collectively. This is my own SONA -- State of the Nation Address.


1. DRIVER'S LICENCES! Edge got his on the first go, a major achievement if you ask anyone who has tried converting an oversears licence. We had heard horror stories of people who took the driving test 11 times! (I do admire that person for his perseverance and determination though!) I got mine on the much-publicized second go, which isn't too bad. Most of my friends (all 4 of them!) got their licences on the second go as well.

2. BEDROOM SUITE! For the first time in my life, I had bedroom furniture that matched. After sleeping on the floor for 2 1/2 months, I decided that enough was enough. We found a store that sold us a suite composed of a wooden frame, an orthopedic mattress, two sidetables and a tallboy at a 12 months interest-free plan. We will finish payment for this in January 2006.

3. CAR We felt so sorry for ourselves pushing a full grocery cart home, with two kids in tow, under the hot summer sun. To make things worse, the sidewalk was not even, so the cart would keep sliding off to the road. Thank goodness for angels like my cousin Angelica, who lent us her car for a couple of months. When she had to get it back, we just couldn't bear the thought of pushing that cart anymore, so we applied for a loan. After only 5 months in the country, the bank approved our loan and we were able to buy a second hand car that could pass for brand new. And we got it at a really good price too.

4. THE KIDS ARE IN GOOD SCHOOLS We were able to find good schools for Diego and Luis. Luis' daycare is just wonderful, with caring and affectionate teachers looking after the kids. Luis has learned so many things like his colors, shapes and some letters. Diego is at a good school too, and is doing quite well. Although we are giving him this first year to adjust, he is starting to show good skills in Math and Reading.

5. WE HAVE OUR OWN PLACE After living with Tito Jim's friends for a month, Edge got a job, found our own apartment and filled it up with the necessary furniture and appliances. Our house is now almost complete. The only room needing some help is the sala!

6. LUIS HAS WEANED FROM THE BREAST AND BOTTLE Last Christmas, I told Luis that we were going to stop breastfeeding. I expected it would take us at least a month to finally get it done, but he did it in a week! Before, he would need to nurse to get to sleep. Now, just like his kuya, he likes to hold my ear to put himself to sleep.

7. LUIS IS TOILET TRAINED With much help from his daycare, Luis does not wear diapers anymore! This has saved us a lot of money and has lessened the number of diapers that are non-biodegradeable!

8. DIEGO HAS A GOOD APPETITE In Manila, Diego was such a picky eater, and was so payat. Now, although still payat and the second smallest in his class, his cheeks are filling out and he has outgrown many of the clothes we brought from Manila. It is not difficult to feed him anymore. He eats what we serve, and he finishes it without any threats from us!

9. I HAVE AN ALMOST-JOB I applied at the Department of Community Services and they have me on an eligibility list.

10. The kids are being brought up the way we want because it is being done by us parents, and no one else. Although sometimes I want to pack them into balikbayan boxes and send them home to Manila, I am quite pleased with how they are turning out.

11. I'VE LEARNED SO MANY THINGS like cooking. I'm now an expert at washing dishes and I derive great satisfaction at seeing a pile of dry, clean laundry. I came up with this blog, figured out how to alter it according to my specifications (though I'm still frustrated because I only have Photo Editor and Paint), and I've taken up baking again (much to the dismay of all our waist lines)

12. WE HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP I really felt that this move would either bring us closer together, or tear us further apart. I'm glad it was the former. Myrene told me that this is usually the case. Because you have no one else but each other, you form a stronger bond. We laugh a lot more than we used to, we tease each other more, and we play with the kids a lot more too.

So although our careers have been in the pits of despair, this past year has not been a total waste of time. I guess we really needed this time to take care of things that we were too busy to take care of in the hectic pace of our lives in Manila. I guess this is happening to us now, before our lives here in Sydney start to get hectic as well. This first year has been about strengthening the foundation and laying the groundwork. After all, you need a solid foundation if you're going to build a skyscraper, right?

Hopefully my SONA next year will list more achievements in the area of careers and fulfillment of dreams. Among our goals for next year are to get permanent, full-time jobs that pay well, start saving to buy our own house in a good neighborhood, and travel to the US for Edge's family reunion.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

OH HAPPY DAY!

Oh joy! Oh joy! I passed! I passed! I finally have my unrestricted NSW driver's licence (good for 3 years)! And I will never have to take this test again until I'm 85 years old (if I'm still alive then!)

Boy, all the drama that I went through the past month preparing for this driving test. I stormed the heavens with prayers. And of course, I used a little emotional blackmail: I made my kids pray for me every night before going to bed. Diego was particularly excited for me to get my licence. Everytime we'd go out, he'd insist that I be the one to drive, so that I can practice, and thus pass my test. I asked him the other night, "Diego, what if Mama doesn't get her licence?" Diego told me, "I'll say...'Mama!'(in a scolding tone), but that's alright"

I came up with every possible superstition to help me pass this test.

1. MY HAIR HAD TO BE PERFECT -- I had a theory that the reason why I didn't pass my first test was that my hair was in an between stage and thus would look ugly in my licence picture. I didn't want to look ugly in what would be my main identification for the next three years!

2. MY TEST HAD TO BE ON A FRIDAY -- all the major things that happened to us here happened on a Friday, so my test had to be on a Friday as well. We transferred to our house on a Friday, we got our new bed on a Friday, we got our new car on a Friday, Edge got his licence on a Friday, etc. etc.

3. I HAD TO WEAR YELLOW -- my college barkada and I had this superstition that everytime we had an exam, especially one we weren't prepared for, we had to wear yellow because it allowed the answers to come to you. Other colors, especially black, blocked out the answers that were trying to come into your head. I've forgotten who came up with that crazy superstition, but folks, that is the secret of my good grades in college! So today, I wore my XS56 shirt given by the Guidance Department as a going away present. I guess it really works!

4. I HAD TO SEND A CHAIN LETTER -- I received a chain letter that said that if I didn't send the letter, I would have a very unpleasant surprise. Was I really going to risk that? Of course, I sent it out to the maximum number of people! To those 15 people, I'm really sorry about that, but anyway, the message was nice, di ba?

5. THE NUMBERS OF TODAY'S DATE EQUALS 3 -- My family believes that 3 is a lucky number for us. When I added up the numbers of today's date -- 09+16+05=30=3+0=3 When I saw the 3, I knew I had a very good chance of passing!

6. I CAN NOW LOCK THE GARAGE DOOR -- Our garage door has a certain trick to getting it locked. For the longest time, I couldn't get it. But a few months back, I was finally able to get it and so I decided that it was time to take my driving test.

Things get really crazy when you really really really want something!

But seriously, I practiced really hard, and I prayed really hard, and I practiced the maneuvers in my head a million times. I couldn't eat for two days, and I kept waking up last night. Finally this morning, I told myself, this stress is too much! I don't ever want to go through this anymore. The only way to get rid of this stress is to pass this test.

When my teacher picked me up for my test and we drove around to have a last practice, I was very calm. I did everything perfectly. And by the time I was taking my test, I was a bit more nervous, but still in control. I didn't do it perfectly this time, but I did well enough to pass.

I am so glad that stress is over! Many thanks to everyone who prayed for me! Special thanks to Josline, my driving teacher (who I will be recommending to everyone in NSW who needs to get their licence), Mom, Pop and Gogi, whose faith in me never wavered, Diego, Luis and Edge who continually cheered me on and put up with my short temper and mood swings, and Glenn for understanding the complexity that is me.

PANIC TIME!!!!!!

Hey everyone! Can I please ask anyone who is reading this to say a short prayer for me from the time you read this to next Friday, September 16? I am taking my driving test for the second time and I am a nervous wreck! Everytime my thoughts turn to that day, my stomach turns and I get all queasy. Please pray for the following:

1. that I maintain my sanity while waiting for September 16
2. that I stay calm and alert on September 16
3. that the person who will decide my fate be a person who is either fair or biased in my favor
4. that no surprises should spring on me on that day
5. that no unnecessary obstacles present themselves on that day
6. that I don't make any major mistakes
7. that if I don't pass, I am able to accept it gracefully

(I almost forgot to put this one:)

8. that I pass my test!

My teacher says that I am doing well and that I am a good driver but you never know with these tests. You hear about stupid mistakes which you would never do if you weren't so nervous and conscious that you were taking the test. When my teacher saw my first test results, she told me that I should have passed. Di ka ba mabibwisit non? Anyway, I know I feel much more confident on the road this time than I did 7 months ago (which was when I took my first test) so hopefully I don't make any major mistakes and everything else that I am asking everyone to pray about.

One more confusing thing is that our car is manual, and my teacher's car (which I am using next week) is automatic. I drive our car in between my weekly lessons to gain confidence on the road, but when I get back to the automatic, it takes me a while to get used to it again. My left hand keeps searching for the gear shift, then I realize I don't have to change gears! I am already used to having the controls on the other side (of the Philippine cars) and also driving on the left side of the road. But for now, whenever I'm driving, the rule is, NOBODY TALKS TO ME! I get so distracted and driving here in Australia really requires a lot of thinking! For some reason, I didn't need to think so much when I drove in the Philippines!

I remember when I got my license in the Philippines. I resolved that I would not contribute to the corrupt system. I refused to pay someone to fix my license, even if everyone I knew did not have to actually drive to get their license. Of course, everyone knows about the written test wherein they give you the exact same questions that you will have in your actual test, with the correct answers written in, but they advice you to make one or two mistakes para hindi obvious! Then, for the practical test, I remember I went with Dodong, Mom's driver at the Commission on Human Rights. I was so nervous because I feared they would give me a hard time because I had decided to do it the "clean" way. I also feared "hanging", because I wasn't too confident about staying on first gear. When it was my turn, the tester asked me where my car was. I pointed it out in the parking lot. The guy stayed under the shade and instructed me to back out of my parking space, move the car forward towards him, then park it again. Dodong asked if he could ride inside the car with me. Surprisingly, the guy said yes. So while driving, Dodong was telling me, "O, first gear.....o sige, gas pa......ops...break ka muna...kambyo pa....." When I got out of the car, that was it! I had my license! Well, I didn't actually get my card license til about 6 months later, but I was legally allowed to drive alone!

Now if only getting my NSW licence would be as easy as getting my Philippine license..... Please pray for me.....thanks!

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

Today was the St. Marys Spring Festival. They closed Queen Street (the main street in St. Marys) and theyhad around 200 stalls selling all sorts of stuff from pancakes to bling-bling jewelry to African wooden figures. There was a stage, where a Chinese troupe was performing. I remembered that it is also the season for the Mooncake Festival because the costume of the woman looked very much like the drawings that my Xavier students would make in their Chinese classes. There were so many interesting things to see but the kids enjoyed two things in particular:

The inflatable slide


















and all the free goodies being given away ... balloons, lollipops, juice, etc. etc.


Wigi was just so awed by the firetrucks on display care of the Fire Department. He did not want to leave the truck.

Diego is masungit because he wants to go na to McDonald's to get his Happy Meal prize for being "Student of the Day" last Tuesday.