BIRTHDAY OF THE SUNSHINE BOY

It was the Sunshine Boy's birthday, a.k.a. Jeejer Beejers, Wigi, Geegee, or just plain 'Gi. Weeks before, he kept asking "Is it my birthday already?" Long ago he had declared that he wanted a Buzz Lightyear Cake for his birthday, so I baked him a cake out of a box, and I bought the Toy Story design from a party store. We brought him to K-mart and made him choose what gift he wanted. He kept saying he wanted a green Gameboy, just like his Kuya's. Luckily, when we got to the store, he got distracted by the many toys he saw. He ended up choosing a Sonic action figure and a Matchbox helicopter. Ang mura! Well, we will savor this because I'm sure in a few years, he will be asking for more expensive gifts!

more photos on my flickr account!

BEAUTIFUL BONDI

Diego and Edge went to Bondi Beach a few weeks ago and Diego told me that it is the most beautiful beach in the world. I reminded him about the beaches in Davao and Boracay, but I think he doesn't remember them anymore. Today, all four of us went, and although I wouldn't say it is THE most beautiful beach in the world, I do agree that it is beautiful, especially when you consider that it is a public beach. But the water was still too cold for me! I didn't even want to wet my feet. I just sat on the sand and took pictures of my three boys.

LIMBO

I can feel myself going down again. I've done everything in my power and everything in my limited knowledge to get a job -- any job at all -- and yet I have not had a single successful attempt. True, I got on the eligibility list of the Department of Community Services, but do I have a job right now? No I don't. I have not yet reached the point where I am doubting my abilities. But I have reached the point where I am starting to resent Australian society, and more specifically the Sydney Catholic School system.

The last two times I received rejection letters from schools I applied at, I shouted at the envelopes, "HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT I WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD TEACHER? Did you even bother to check with my referees? I'm sure if you would even bother to check with Xavier, you'd hear good things about me!" But my guess is, as soon as they see that all my experience and all my training was done in the Philippines, they throw my application in the trash. At least some schools bother to send rejection letters. Others don't even acknowledge that you exist.

This is pretty painful for me. In the Philippines, I was accepted at every single thing I applied for. Once people saw my UP undergrad degree and my Ateneo almost-Masters, they were all lining up to sign me on. But here, it doesn't mean a thing to them.

I have been out of work for 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day today. And I am going crazy. I have these mood swings where I go really, really low, so low that I start to get paranoid about past issues in my life, then I swing to the other side, but I never swing to supposedly complete happiness or bliss, so I know I am not manic-depressive. But I don't remember the last time I was really, really happy, or the last time I laughed so much that I cried. Migrating to a new country really strips you to the bone, reduces you to the bare minimum, etc etc.

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on a window sill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel like I don't fit in anywhere I go?

To tell you the truth, I didn't feel I fit in in the Philippines. I sort of always wanted to live in a place where I didn't know anyone, where I could find out who I really was, away from my very prolific family. But now that I'm here, I don't feel like I'm part of the place. Like if I suddenly disappeared, nobody would care, nobody would notice that I was gone. One good thing though, I realized that here, I truly feel like an adult. For some reason, in the Philippines, I still felt like a child. Maybe because there I still lived with my father, depended on him for some of the expenses at home, because everywhere I went, there was always someone who knew either Mommy or Papa, or whoever Tito or Tita, that I was always someone's daughter or niece or what-not. And I always felt I had to live up to my prominent family's reputation.

Here, nobody knows me. Nobody cares that I am my parents' daughter, that I am a Misa, a Paredes, a Sicam. It doesn't mean a thing. In some ways, it's good. But in some ways, like in the it-would-help-me-get-a-job way, I kind of miss it. But anyway, I'm straying. Here, I have my own friends, people that none of my family members have met. I am starting my own circle of people and contacts, however slow the process is for me. I guess I am in the process of building my own identity, apart from my role as my parents' daughter and member of the Misa / Paredes or Sicam clan.

So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I've had it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing softly to the dawn....

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Gotta find my corner of the sky

That is the main reason I came here. I want it all. I want to own my own big house. I want to travel. I want to do what I love and live comfortably. I realized yesterday that my creativity has always been hindered mainly by my lack of financial means. I have wanted to take so many classes in the past -- dance, photography, self-improvement workshops , but I always had to look for cheap ones, or ones run by someone I know, so I can ask for a discount. Thus, I dont' always get to go for all the things I want. I realized I love earrings, necklaces, braceletes, but I never accumulated a lot of them because I always thought the money was better spent elsewhere. There was always something that was higher on the priority list than these things that fill the soul.

But here, once you have a decent job, you can fulfill these things to a decent level. There are still a lot of things I want to do that I feel I still cannot do, but here, it is more I guess out of habit -- the thinking that the money is better spent on necessities. I want to get rid of that way of thinking. I want to buy nice clothes (but I think I still could not take buying an outfit that would be equivalent to a one month of a Philippine teacher's pay -- I could never justify that). I want to buy inexpensive but pretty bling bling. I want to enroll in classes like belly dancing and beading workshops and continue to work on my photography skills. I want to dress up Edge. I want to buy a house and decorate it with stuff that just looks nice, and may not have any other purpose in life. I could never do that in the Philippines. But here, it is possible.

Maybe that is my frustration. I have long waited for this to happen, and here I am, but I still cannot do it fully because that job I have been waiting for forever is just not coming.

So all I can do for now is dream. And sometimes get frustrated. And depressed. I belong neither here nor there. Gotta find my corner of the sky!

PRAYERS REQUESTED

I started this day in a melancholy mood. Then I received news just a few minutes ago that really started my tears flowing. One of my former students passed away yesterday morning, October 20, 2005. His name was RUSSELL FRANCO, he was only 12 years old. He was my student when he was Grade 3. He was a shy boy, but had enough kalokohan in his system to be a normal kid. As I try to recall his face now, the picture that comes to mind is a small boy, with slightly disheveled hair, small eyes, with a shy smile on his face. And it hurts me so much more, because he was the best friend of my inaanak/surrogate brother, Christopher.


My sister, Gogi, broke the news to me just a few minutes ago, chatting on Yahoo Messenger. The tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. It seems Russell fainted in school about a month ago. He had to be hospitalized, and there they found out he had a heart condition. Chris had been wanting to visit Russell in the hospital, but because of adults' busy schedules, they never got around to doing it. Chris wanted to bring some baked goodies, for which his mother is famous for, but he never got around to doing it. But I was told, that Chris got to call him in the hospital, and he told Russell that he dedicated his participation in a Science contest to Russell.

I cannot imagine how devastating it is to lose your best friend when you are only Grade 6. At this stage, kids' concerns are usually their quiz scores, cartoons, some may start to notice girls and become curious about sex, but never losing your best friend! I am so sad. But I told Chris that what was important was that he got to show Russell that he was important to him, and he showed that he cared for him. But it's got to be tough, being 12 years old, and trying to understand death.

This made me wish, again, that I was back in Xavier. I wish I was physically there for Chris, to help him get through this. Again, I feel that I really belong in Xavier. A big part of me is still there, I tell you. Can't Xavier just move here to Sydney? Or anywhere in Australia? I'll move to wherever they decide to migrate to! Promise!

Anyway, if you are reading this, please say a prayer for Russell Franco, his family, and for his best friend Chris.

MORE FAMILY IN SYDNEY!

Yesterday, Sunday, I saw Tita Ginger and Tito Roland Frey (my mom's cousin and her husband) who live in Switzerland. They are on a long vacation which started in the Philippines, then went on Down Under (all over), back to the Philippines, and then back to Switzerland. Today, they are on their way to Brisbane, I think. Anyway, we had a barbecue in her sister Malu's place in Parramatta. I had never heard of Tita Malu, maybe because the Misa clan is just so big, it's so hard to keep track of who's who and who belongs to what family, who are siblings, who are not, etc. etc. Tita Malu says the last time she saw me was at her father's wake, and I was only 3 years old then! She says my face has not changed.


Her son, Xavier, is turning 3 on October 31, only 6 days after Luis turns 3 too! The kids got along as well as 3-year olds could possibly get, of course with a little inggitan over toys and places to sit along the way.










We also met some of Tita Malu's friends and the family of Tito Charlie, her husband. Here are some pictures from yesterday.


Here I am with Tita Malu Moraza









This is Edge with Tita Malu's mom, Tita Mary (actually, dapat siguro Lola na ang tawag ko sa kanya ano?












Tita Ginger with Diego and his non-smile kakainis!













With Tito Charlie, Tito Roland, Tita Mary, Tita Ginger, Tita Malu, me and my kids










When Luis saw Tita Ginger, he asked her, "You gave me the shoes?" and he pointed to the Birkenstock that he was wearing on his feet. Smart kid! I mentioned it to him the day before just so he would have an idea of who Tita Ginger was.








It was a good day. My family has expanded again!

Wala lang. Ang guapo ng anak ko!

MY NEW BABY

I got the best and earliest Christmas present this year (also a belated birthday gift) from my parents. They helped me to buy my dream camera! I am way, way, way, high up in the clouds. It took me a few days before I finally even got the camera out of its box. I was intimidated and I even had a fleeting feeling that I was not worthy!








But now it's out of the box, and I'm trying it out. But I realized that since it is an 8 megapixel camera, the file size is so big! But I can reduce the size naman so no problem. It also has a telefoto lens, which is why I am doubly excited. I have never in my life used a telefoto lens. When I tried it out yesterday, I was floored! How I wish I had this camera in the past when I had to cover events from afar. Ganoon pala iyon! Kahit malayo ka, parang ang lapit-lapit mo! Hahahaha! Please pardon my ignorance, but I really am so so so very happy with my new baby. I am even starting to feel that old Christmas feeling approaching!

THE INCREDI-BOYS

Last night we went to Oli's house to pick up our pasalubongs from Manila and so the boys finally got their Incredibles costumes! Special thanks to the Lolo and Lola and Ninang Gogi for the Incredible outifts. Now we have two boys dashing around the house like crazy!

SURPRISE!

Look what we found sprouting out of our garden a few mornings ago! Edge was all set to trim, even remove the bushy growth that is our front garden, when we saw some bulbs towering above the bush. Several mornings after, the flowers bloomed, and now we have six lilies (I guess that's what they are). We didn't have these flowers last spring so they came as a welcome surprise to us.

Ganito pala ang spring! Flowers are sprouting out all around us. Everything is so colorful! And I noticed that some flowers change their colors from spring to summer to autumn! I have always had the Philippine two-season year so I am just so taken by each season as it comes.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

These past few days, I have been watching my dear, much-younger-than me cousin, saying goodbye to her husband. Her husband, who is more or less the same age as she is, has been in a nursing home for the past 20 months, and in and out of the hospital during that time. He's had 4 bouts of pneumonia this past year and doctors say that this last one has weakened him so much. They say it's just a matter of time. Her husband is conscious, but cannot speak, and cannot move.

When Edge, the kids and I got to the hospital, she wasn't there yet. Her brother was there, looking like it was his own brother that was lying in the hospital bed attached to machines. He sadly told us of his brother-in-law's condition, saying he knew a lot of people who deserved what his sister's husband was going through.

Then all of a sudden, I don't know why, I was left alone in the ICU room with my cousin's husband. I felt uneasy, because actually, this was my first time to meet him. I gently spoke, introducing myself. Thankfully, after I said those words, some people came into the room.

After a while, my cousin literally burst into the room, full of sunshine, with her kids who were equally as boisterous as their mother. She immediately went to her husband's bedside and greeted him with a warm kiss, hug and a soft whisper to his ear. Since there were now about 8 people inside the ICU (only a maximum of 4 are allowed) I offered to take the kids outside to see their cousins (my kids). We found them in the hospital lobby. Can you imagine, 5 kids, with ages ranging from 2 to 6, running around the lobby, screaming, chasing each other and throwing flying kicks and punches.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my cousin. It was a heart-wrenching afternoon for me. We spent most of our time away from the hospital room, having talks in the car in between errands. She talked about how much she loves her husband and how sometimes she still cannot believe that this is actually happening to them. She says she still hopes to wake up and find that this is all a dream. When we got back to the ICU, she went straight to her husband's side and greeted him warmly. She just stood at his side, held his hand and looked at him quietly, and lovingly.

Just being in her presence, I could feel all the love inside of her, waiting to explode. She just has so much love for her husband, that I can imagine it just hurts her so much. I thought to myself, how lucky this man is, to have a wife who loves him so completely and unconditionally.

I left her at 5 pm because I had to pick up Wigi from daycare. In the car, I just felt so sad. I don't mean to thrive on someone else's pain, especially someone close to me but being with her on those two occasions made me realize how privileged I am to have my family intact, and filled with so much love for each other. Driving home, I tried imagining what it would be like if something like that happened to Edge. Would I be able to show as much faith in God as she has? Would I be able to show Edge as much love and devotion as she has shown her husband? Would I be able to be as strong for my kids as she is for hers? She is only 26 but she is forced to make decisions such as what color her husband's coffin will be, all on her own. I know that at any age, a decision like that can be devastating, but even moreso at her age when most women are just starting their own marriages. I'm glad I was with her when that happened.

My cousin told me that she and her husband have had their share of marital problems but they were able to overcome these hurdles before he got sick. I have often wondered how she can care for her husband with so much devotion if he had hurt her so much in the past. It made me realize what a pittance my situation is compared to hers, and look at how graceful she is dealing with hers. I keep complaining about every little thing, getting depressed over nothing, and here she is holding her head up high and proudly fighting for the love that she and her husband share. I really truly admire this cousin of mine. Makes me realize what a brave and proud lineage I come from. Nasa lahi talaga namin iyan. And I say this without making yabang or anything like that. The women in our family truly are strong, passionate and loving people. I am proud to be counted among them!

APPRECIATION DAY AT XAVIER SCHOOL

Xavier School celebrated Appreciation Day last September 23, 2005. It is the equivalent of Teachers' Day in other schools, but in Xavier, it is a day not only for teachers, but for all of the school's employees as well. Since I was part of the Xavier website last year, my friend Fred Tiu, who is still with the website (I think!)invited me to write an article for A Day.

Here it is.....my A DAY ARTICLE

Belated Happy A-day to all!