WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY???

Dalawang daigdig, magkaibang pampang
Pinaghihiwalay ang kambal kong buhay
Kung maari lang sana'y magtayo ng tulay
At sa bawa't isa ako ay manirahan
Lupang tinubua'y hindi naiiwan
Ano mang paglimot hindi matutunan
Laging nakalanghap sa lupang katawan
Kahit naroroon sa malayong bayan
Laging umiihip ang hanging amihan
Laging dumaraing ang dating kundiman

-a song from "Bayani", a musical on Jose Rizal by Jim Paredes and Bienvenido Lumbera

Why can we not have the best of both worlds? Why do we have to be so far from home? Why do we have to be serving these people who do not appreciate the blessings that they have received when we could be serving our countrymen who respect us and appreciate the service that we give them?

These past few weeks, Edge has been saying that he wants to go home. For good. I have not been taking it seriously, maybe because deep inside I was afraid that I might end up agreeing with him. But lately I have been dissatisfied with so many aspects of my job, and again, I have this feeling at the end of the week that I am just so tired of trying to fit into a white world. I am not maltreated, but I am treated as a non-entity. How do I explain this? They don't do anything really, but they don't make any adjustments to your presence. They seem to forget that I did not grow up here and so I sometimes do not understand things that they talk about or what they are asking me to do. Sometimes just because I am different, I get the feeling that some people think I am not as smart or competent as they are. I want to tell them, do you know where I come from? Do you know how noble our race is? Do you know how passionate we are about our freedom? Do you know that I have participated in two bloodless revolts and countless protest actions? Do you know who my grandparents are? If you only knew how rich my culture is, you would bow your head in shame because all you can talk about is the latest on Big Brother or what is going on with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Today the four of us went to Cabramatta Library to attend a Philippine Bookfair. When we got there, the program was just about to start. They had Ambeth Ocampo as guest speaker. Ambeth Ocampo is one of my favorite authors, mostly because we both share a passion for Philippine History, as well as a passion for igniting that passion in other people. I forgot I had that passion, until today when I heard Ambeth Ocampo speak. First he asked some members of the audience to draw Rizal and Bonifacio. They drew the traditional images of Rizal in an Americana, with his hair parted on one side, with a tiny moustache, a quill in one hand and the Noli and Fili in the other. Bonifacio of course, had on a salakot that said KKK, a white camiso chino and red pants. He held a bolo in his right hand. Ambeth then proceeded to bust all the myths around these two heroes. As expected, he had his audience in the palm of his hand. He was introduced as the "Boy Abunda of Philippine History", because he knows all the gossip about all the heroes!

Anyway, I suddenly felt sad because I remembered that one of the reasons why I entered teaching was because I thoroughly enjoyed learning Philippine History from my Grade 6 teacher, Ms. Julie Alcantara (I think now she is Mrs. Reyes), and I wanted other Filipino kids to love our history as much as I did. Unfortunately I never got to teach history, as I was a SPED teacher for 3 years ("This is a pencil....", no room for discussions on Rizal and Bonifacio), then a Grade 1 teacher, then a counselor. And now that I am in Australia and I have vowed that I am not going to teach children here, I realize that it's not going to happen anymore. Unless of course I go home to the Philippines.

Edge came to a similar conclusion. He asked himself, "What am I doing teaching these kids who do not want to learn?" "I am not needed here, I am needed at home." Edge used to teach History so I guess the talk hit home. But I felt the same way. THEY DON'T NEED ME HERE. I AM NEEDED AT HOME.

Why, why, why can't we just pack up and go home? Why, why, why can't we do that?

On the other hand, for the first time in our married life, we actually have extra money to spend. For the first time in 10 years, we have money to put aside as savings. For the first time in our lives, we are in a position to help a little bit, whereas in the Philippines we were usually on the receiving end of help. It's a wonderful feeling to have some financial freedom, to be able to buy stuff that you need and not have to put it off for a long time. It's so liberating to go to a restaurant and not be adding the prices of your order beforehand to make sure that you have enough money to pay for the orders.

I sometimes wonder, how do Pinoys survive here? Life is so bland here. People are not warm. Life is tiring. Work is unfulfilling. Someone said the first 5 years are the hardest. They are the loneliest years of your life. After that, you get used to the heartache and you become numb. You are just forever longing for home, but not being able to give up the good life here.

Isn't that sad? The only reason we are here is because of the money? It makes me so angry that I cannot live comfortably in my own country because of selfish people who choose to steal the people's money so they can live in their huge mansions and fatten their overseas bank accounts. Never mind that their actions throw the rest of the nation into poverty. Never mind that 95% of the country is suffering. Never mind that people have to go abroad to have a better quality of life. Never mind that the country is going to the dogs. There are people who are sincere in their efforts at nation building but the corruption is just too deeply entrenched. Maybe revolution or a big flood ala Noah's Ark is the only answer to the country's problems. I still say let's exile all the politicians to the leper colony, Culion ba iyon? They can bicker all they want there, just leave the Philippines to us.

I still want to be a part of building my country. I still want to be a part of forming the Filipino youth. I still want to be of service to my country. But I also want my own house. I want my kids to go to college. I want to travel and see the world. I want to take salsa classes. I want to be able to help people financially. I want to be freed of the stress of worrying about how I am going to make ends meet.

Sometimes I wish I was not so nationalistic.