LONGING

Today I went to mass again after what seems like ages. We decided to try out this church that had a large Filipino community and reportedly even had the mass and mass songs in Tagalog. When we got to the church, it felt like we were back in the Philippines! There was a mass (no pun intended) of Pinoys, with Anglo people in the minority. I told myself, we must be in the right place then!

When the opening hymn played, I almost cried. The choir sang "Here I am, Lord". I cried because it was only the second time in my two years here that I have heard a familiar song in mass. The lector was a Pinay, who spoke with a thick Pinoy accent and did not even try to sound Aussie. That was a comforting sound. And one row behind us, there was a lola who was gently scolding her apo because the apo was makulit. When it came to the singing, she sang in a loud bellowing voice that was a bit off key. It reminded me of Abu at the chapel near Tito Jim's in Loyola, singing Anima Christi. Even the presence of an Aussie priest did not ruin my illusion of being back home because we have so many white priests in Manila anyway.

But then for me, it was downhill from there. "Here I am, Lord" turned out to be the only song I knew. The homily was a disappointment. It wasn't a total disaster though. I just did not find what I was looking for. My heart is yearning to sing "Ama Namin" with eyes shut and hands clasped with the people next to me.

This is all the fault of the Jesuits. They got me used to a high standard of homilies, and a high standard of songs and singing. How I miss those Jesuit mass songs! I especially miss the ones in Tagalog, and the ones we used to sing in Bukas Palad and Ignite recollections at Xavier. My all-time favorite is "Panalangin sa Pagiging Bukas Palad" which I very highly doubt that I will ever get to hear it here, unless I am the one organizing the mass and preparing the list of songs.

But really, I have not heard a single homily here that could stand up in comparison to even the everyday morning mass homilies that we had at Xavier. The homilies I have heard, especially the ones at my parish here, seem so hurried, illogical and shallow. There is no single thread of thought, it is like a bunch of unrelated ideas strung together. One such homily we listened to was even an Easter homily!!! What's funny is that the homilies I like aren't highfalutin or way up there in the clouds. They are in fact down-to-earth and very relevant to your everyday life. They make you think of how you can apply the gospel reading to your everyday life. They teach you to see God in all things.

TIGANG. That is the best word to describe my spiritual life now. I know God is there. I know He loves me and I love Him but I need help getting a clearer line to Him. Right before leaving Manila, I felt so close to Him, like I could actually hear Him speak to me sometimes. I know Xavier had a lot to do with deepening my relationship with God. But I guess I didn't have enough of it, and now I seem to have lost my way.

O Lord, my God, teach my heart
Where and how to seek you
Teach my heart, where and how to find you
For I cannot see you unless you teach me
Or find you unless you show yourself to me
Let me seek you in my desire
Let me desire you in my seeking
Let me find you by my loving you now
Let me love you when I find you
Teach me Lord
Teach my heart where and how to find you....

music and lyrics by Jandi Arboleda
from the album SOMETHING MORE

p.s. No, I am not really passing the blame to the Jesuits. I know this is a sign of spiritual immaturity on my part. I just really miss what I had before. One of these days, I will attend mass in the city, where there are parishes run by the Jesuits. Maybe I will find what I'm looking for there....

I have climbed highest mountains, I have run through the fields, only to be with you....only to be with you....