RISK TAKING BEHAVIOR (according to Monica)

Have you ever really wanted something so much that you could not think of anything else? And you really wanted it so badly that it scared you to go for it because you might not get it? Well, that's what I am going through right now. I am eyeing this new job. It is a job within the same government agency I am working for, but it is in the training division. Why do I want the job? For one, (and this is in no particular order) it pays more, for two (ha ha), it is in Glebe, and for three, it could possibly answer a burning desire in me.

See, I am okay in my present job. I am learning the ropes. I am learning a lot of new stuff. I think I am steadily gaining the trust and respect of my boss (but actually my whole relationship with her is another very long story). But I seriously cannot see myself growing in the position. I feel it is a dead-end job for me only because I do not see myself aspiring to become a manager, then the next higher position, and the next higher position, etc etc. I know this may sound naive, but I never realized how depressing my job could be. I know ordinarily I could handle that aspect of the job, but with my state of mind it can sometimes be a little bit too much. Another thing is that some of the courses of action that they espouse do not quite jive with my way of thinking (e.g. how to approach drug addiction). And, another proof of my naivete -- I never realized this job could actually be dangerous. But, I would not mind doing this for another year or so. I just don't see myself "growing old" in that position.

Another reason wanderlust has set in is that in my present job, I have not had reason to use whatever creative talents I have. I only get to use my writing talent in writing reports, but that entails sticking to details and not indulging in any creativity at all. In the training position, I could put my creative juices to good use. Hopefully. Of course it's not a perfect job. There are some downsides I have seen, but I figure, I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

But I have realized I am my own worst enemy. In trying to answer the selection criteria for the application, a tsunami of insecurity has come over me. Thoughts like "I'm not good enough for this job" "Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko to think I can do this" and "They won't even give my application a second look" pervade my mind. One night I couldn't go to sleep because I was just tossing these thoughts back and forth in my mind.

Then I remembered somebody saying that if there's something you want to do and it scares you, all the more reason that you should go for it because it must be something really important to you to scare you. I also think I have nothing to lose by sending that application, but by not sending it, I have totally elliminated that possibility.

I guess it's because there have been a few times in my life when I have wanted something so intensely, and prayed for it so fervently, that I was devastated when I did not get it. I don't think I can go through that kind of emotional upheaval right now. I am just coasting along right now, on a scale of 0 to 10, I'd put myself at a 5 (6 on a good day). I'm afraid to throw it off balance. I am afraid to take the risk. I could go up to an 8, or who knows, even a 10! But then I could also go the other way, and I just cannot handle going down to a 2 or 1 or even 0. It's hard to run a household when you are running on empty. It's hard to be a pillar of strength when you feel you are crumbling inside.

But yeah, I will send that application. I know I will regret it if I don't. At least I tried, di ba? I do want to achieve our dreams, and I know the only way to do that is to take these risks. Life has got to get better. Life cannot always be like this. It's time for the wheel to go up again.