STRESSFUL DREAMS

Yesterday I completed my 7th week of an 8 week mandatory training course for my job. Boy, it was pretty "full on" as the Aussies call it. Ang tindi! The first day we had Affidavit Writing. It was OK, pretty boring though because it teaches you to write in legalese (gosh, I don't even remember anymore what that first day was all about!)

The last 4 days was a module called "Interviewing Children and Gathering Evidence". I was a bit excited about it because of my fascination with becoming a CSI or working at the SVU (Special Victims Unit). But it also caused me much stress because there was, yet again, an assessment at the end of the week.

Medyo matindi ang dating ng title ano? But I figured, I've been talking to children all my life, and when I was a counselor, I usually got kids' secrets out of them so this shouldn't be too hard. Wrong! This course was about forensic interviews, as in, we were taught not to ask leading questions, we were taught specific phrases to use sometimes for legal purposes, sometimes in consideration of the child. In telling the child what our job was all about, we could not say "We protect children" because a) it makes the assumption that the child needs protection and b) it makes the assumption that we will be able to protect them, when in truth, we are never really sure about anything. Kind of sad, when you think about it.

It was very interesting though, it fed my fascination with mystery, forensics and crime shows. We were taught to speak in a "kind and neutral tone", sometimes described as "beige". I thought, easy enough. I've always been able to show empathy to my students. Wrong again! Showing empathy is a no-no! Because it colors the investigation, and the solicitor for the defense will rip your interview to pieces saying it is biased and will move that it be thrown out of court. So, if the child discloses that his father beat him up with a stick and broke 50 bones in his body, you absolutely CANNOT say, "Oh my, that must have been horrible! You poor boy! How did that feel?" You are only supposed to say, "And what happened next?" or "What hand did he use to hold the stick?" and not show any emotion. Tindi!

But that wasn't the hard part. The hard part was having to do a role play wherein you are interviewing a child who has been sexually abused. I had to ask questions like "What was the penis doing?" and "What did the penis look like?" and after establishing that the perpetrator had ejaculated, "You said something came out of his penis. What did it look like?" and always, always, always, in the beige tone. But I got through that and I felt really good that I had hurdled that major hurdle.

But little did I know that that wasn't the hardest part yet! At the end of Friday, it was my turn to play the abused child, and my partner played the interviewer. Oh my gosh! I had to answer those same questions! Which I realized was much worse! The scenario we got required me to use "willy" for "penis". So my partner asked me, "What did the willy look like?" I answered, "Ummmmm......it was......small?....." I could have died! Then after asking me so many questions about the man's willy, my partner said to me, "So, Willy, what did the ....." We could not help it, even our assessor was laughing! Anyway, we all passed the assessment, and now I am practically a full-fledged caseworker. Yipeeee!

But I think the scenarios we had all week got to me. It reinforced my desire to get out of my job and get into this other job I have applied for. I felt so drained yesterday that I went to bed right away. But I had such a disturbed sleep. I woke up about 3 times last night and each time, it was so hard for me to go back to sleep. And I kept having dreams.

Dream # 1: I was talking to this woman, and I had the feeling that she was drunk. So I went closer to her to smell her breath (this is something that comes from my job). As I sat close to her, all of a sudden, she threw up on me! I remember my exclamation clearly, "Yukkkk! Why did you do that? I don't believe this! this is the third time someone throws up on me today! Do I have a sign on my head that says 'Vomit here'? And I woke up coughing.

Dream #2: I was in a house, and I was visiting the family as a caseworker. The family was Filipino and they didn't believe I was sincere and they kept saying things to let my blood curdle. I wanted to leave the house but I said, "no, i have a job to do." And then there was this woman, who was the aunt in that family. For some reason, she looked like Tito Greg. I told her, "You look like my uncle." She just stared at me, and said she didn't want to talk to me because I worked for DOCS.

Dream # 3: I found out that one of my clients who had just been assigned to me had died. She was 10 and she was beaten to death. I woke up crying.

Dream # 4: Edge, me and the kids were walking and we were running after a bus. Edge was able to catch the bus and he got on, but the 3 of us got left behind. We kept running after the bus and Diego caught up. He pulled the door open and I think he got on, but me and Luis got left behind.

There are two recurring themes in these dreams. One is that I am sick of my job, and it is getting to me (vomit, the bad feeling I got in dream # 2, crying over clients' death). The other one I will keep to myself for now.

Is this a sign that I am on the verge of burnout? I read that when you dream of death, it means the death of old life and start of a new one. It indicates new challenges, new experiences. Hopefully that means a new job? I really really really want that other job. Sana!!!!!